So this is 28...

I wish I had a recent photo to share but 2020 has been all kinds of crazy so this 2-year-old me should do the job for now

Well, technically I'm still my 27-year-old self as I am typing this.

At 27 years old, I finally went into therapy. It wasn't the typical sit-in-a-clinic session we see in movies or TV shows. It was over Zoom. How 2020, no?

A few weeks ago, I found myself one evening bawling my eyes out. Was it hormones? I had no idea but I knew I was sad. I was alone and admitted to myself I was lonely. Tears just started pouring in. It didn't feel normal, and so I started browsing the internet for a therapist that would take me. I rescheduled the first one and missed the second one. At one point, it made me think the universe was trying to tell me that I shouldn't pursue it.

After messages here and there, we've successfully found the perfect time to meet. I don't know if therapists are built that way but mine was warm and I felt that I could easily open up to her. "I have supportive family and friends, I'm very blessed with my job and side hustles but why do I feel this way?" I asked her. What I learned about myself and from other people is that I try to dismiss what I truly feel. My therapist can even attest to this as I told her what I was feeling was normal. She quickly asked me why it felt normal and I answered that given the circumstances, I felt that everyone was feeling that way. She says whatever I was feeling was valid. I was probably having a quarter-life crisis and that it was okay.

Deep down I knew what I signed up for the moment I booked my session, but it felt refreshing to talk to someone who has no inkling of who I was. She was just there to listen to me and give suggestions from a sound mind. I didn't feel any judgment in the number of minutes we were talking.

Here are some of the pieces of advice that stuck with me:

1. I should be kinder to my parents as I will regret that in the future.
2. I shouldn't be worrying too much as most people my age haven't figure out what they want in life yet.
3. I should try to have balance in my life. She suggested researching more about what Ikigai is and applying it to my life.

I honestly don't remember the rest of the session but it was a great feeling that I was vulnerable with someone and that I cried my heart out. Did the session help me? I think so. Leading up to my birthday this year, I've never felt this calm and content. I remember I'd have the birthday blues every year. I even have a lot of entries of that here that never saw the light of day.

I'm celebrating my birthday alone this year. No restaurants, no bars, no family or friends, and I'm actually pretty calm about it. If anything, I'm just grateful to be celebrating another year — the gift of life as most people would call it. As I get a plus one in my age this year, I only hope for one thing: that I will be in the same headspace or even better as I am in now.

See you in 2021 😛

Am I Not Good Enough? Why do I have a feeling that I'm not.

 

Taiwan 2016

Revisiting all my drafts and I see this one from 2013 that's somehow still close to my heart. Has nothing really changed since then? It's funny how a 21-year-old Nadine thinks. But here goes...

Have you ever wished that you'd be good at something? Not just like that run of the mill good but become extremely good at it. Like, if you were to be great at something, what would it be?

I wish that I'd be good in arts and design. Come on. Where was I when God showered people with artistic skills. Was I hiding in a humongous shade that I didn't get any of it? Anyway, that's really not the point.

Sometimes, I wish that I'd be a lot better in writing. That I'd get to explain what I'm feeling more and to actually touch the one reading any of my pieces. It's great when someone can somewhat relate to you. You know how it is. It's just hard to write especially when there's a lot going through my mind that I can't put them all down to words. Just like what's happening now actually. It's really frustrating sometimes that I can't express myself well. I really don't know if it's a good thing that I have a lot of rubbish in mind that most of the time I can't convey. 

You think it's easy to write... You just sit in front of a blank page and write it all down but it's not. I hope it works that way though, then it will be easier for me. This is exactly why I'm jealous of the real writers out there, that they have all these magnificent thoughts about everything and that they could write it all down.

I know I have a lot of insecurities that I have yet to fix, in reality and when it comes to my writing. Well, I know that there's no one perfect. But maybe perfect isn't something we all want.

And that's totally okay.

i have four scenarios in mind

I’ve been tossing and turning for the past hour or so as the night engulfed me. I open my phone and scroll through the photos and videos we took a couple of days ago. I put the phone down and try to close my eyes, reliving the moments. What was I feeling? I turn to my phone and realized I needed to let it all out.

Friends have asked why I haven’t fallen in love with you yet. As a matter of fact, I already have and I’m just too scared to admit it.

What ifs here and there and I still can’t imagine if you’ll gladly accept or politely decline. There isn’t just a fixed answer to all these. You see, the possibilities are endless – well, at least I have four in my mind.

I tell you about my feelings and I’m surprised because you tell me the same thing. Well, that was easy. It’s just how everyone hopes for when you suddenly confess your love for someone. It’s the perfect scenario – girl likes boy, boy admits he has the same feeling for girl and they live happily ever after. But that’s not the case for us, it just can’t be.

I tell you I have strong feelings for you and then we try to work it out until we can. We might last forever or we might end up like everyone else and let go of each other after exhausting ourselves to the longevity of our promises and how complex they all are.

I tell you and you feel strong disgust, telling me how you felt betrayed all these years. But then, we see each other a few years later both in a joyous state and laugh all of it off.

I tell you and our friendship fades. All those text exchange and late night calls. All those stories we shared over food. Everything gone in seconds. We don’t talk anymore. We lose touch. We grow apart. We move on with our lives. We forget about each other. And I’ll forever hate how I even mustered up the strength to tell you and assumed it would have worked out well.

You see, I’m too scared of what might happen… So I just let these thoughts eat me up, hoping it’ll all just vanish into the dark night.