So this is 28...

I wish I had a recent photo to share but 2020 has been all kinds of crazy so this 2-year-old me should do the job for now

Well, technically I'm still my 27-year-old self as I am typing this.

At 27 years old, I finally went into therapy. It wasn't the typical sit-in-a-clinic session we see in movies or TV shows. It was over Zoom. How 2020, no?

A few weeks ago, I found myself one evening bawling my eyes out. Was it hormones? I had no idea but I knew I was sad. I was alone and admitted to myself I was lonely. Tears just started pouring in. It didn't feel normal, and so I started browsing the internet for a therapist that would take me. I rescheduled the first one and missed the second one. At one point, it made me think the universe was trying to tell me that I shouldn't pursue it.

After messages here and there, we've successfully found the perfect time to meet. I don't know if therapists are built that way but mine was warm and I felt that I could easily open up to her. "I have supportive family and friends, I'm very blessed with my job and side hustles but why do I feel this way?" I asked her. What I learned about myself and from other people is that I try to dismiss what I truly feel. My therapist can even attest to this as I told her what I was feeling was normal. She quickly asked me why it felt normal and I answered that given the circumstances, I felt that everyone was feeling that way. She says whatever I was feeling was valid. I was probably having a quarter-life crisis and that it was okay.

Deep down I knew what I signed up for the moment I booked my session, but it felt refreshing to talk to someone who has no inkling of who I was. She was just there to listen to me and give suggestions from a sound mind. I didn't feel any judgment in the number of minutes we were talking.

Here are some of the pieces of advice that stuck with me:

1. I should be kinder to my parents as I will regret that in the future.
2. I shouldn't be worrying too much as most people my age haven't figure out what they want in life yet.
3. I should try to have balance in my life. She suggested researching more about what Ikigai is and applying it to my life.

I honestly don't remember the rest of the session but it was a great feeling that I was vulnerable with someone and that I cried my heart out. Did the session help me? I think so. Leading up to my birthday this year, I've never felt this calm and content. I remember I'd have the birthday blues every year. I even have a lot of entries of that here that never saw the light of day.

I'm celebrating my birthday alone this year. No restaurants, no bars, no family or friends, and I'm actually pretty calm about it. If anything, I'm just grateful to be celebrating another year — the gift of life as most people would call it. As I get a plus one in my age this year, I only hope for one thing: that I will be in the same headspace or even better as I am in now.

See you in 2021 😛

Am I Not Good Enough? Why do I have a feeling that I'm not.

 

Taiwan 2016

Revisiting all my drafts and I see this one from 2013 that's somehow still close to my heart. Has nothing really changed since then? It's funny how a 21-year-old Nadine thinks. But here goes...

Have you ever wished that you'd be good at something? Not just like that run of the mill good but become extremely good at it. Like, if you were to be great at something, what would it be?

I wish that I'd be good in arts and design. Come on. Where was I when God showered people with artistic skills. Was I hiding in a humongous shade that I didn't get any of it? Anyway, that's really not the point.

Sometimes, I wish that I'd be a lot better in writing. That I'd get to explain what I'm feeling more and to actually touch the one reading any of my pieces. It's great when someone can somewhat relate to you. You know how it is. It's just hard to write especially when there's a lot going through my mind that I can't put them all down to words. Just like what's happening now actually. It's really frustrating sometimes that I can't express myself well. I really don't know if it's a good thing that I have a lot of rubbish in mind that most of the time I can't convey. 

You think it's easy to write... You just sit in front of a blank page and write it all down but it's not. I hope it works that way though, then it will be easier for me. This is exactly why I'm jealous of the real writers out there, that they have all these magnificent thoughts about everything and that they could write it all down.

I know I have a lot of insecurities that I have yet to fix, in reality and when it comes to my writing. Well, I know that there's no one perfect. But maybe perfect isn't something we all want.

And that's totally okay.

i have four scenarios in mind

I’ve been tossing and turning for the past hour or so as the night engulfed me. I open my phone and scroll through the photos and videos we took a couple of days ago. I put the phone down and try to close my eyes, reliving the moments. What was I feeling? I turn to my phone and realized I needed to let it all out.

Friends have asked why I haven’t fallen in love with you yet. As a matter of fact, I already have and I’m just too scared to admit it.

What ifs here and there and I still can’t imagine if you’ll gladly accept or politely decline. There isn’t just a fixed answer to all these. You see, the possibilities are endless – well, at least I have four in my mind.

I tell you about my feelings and I’m surprised because you tell me the same thing. Well, that was easy. It’s just how everyone hopes for when you suddenly confess your love for someone. It’s the perfect scenario – girl likes boy, boy admits he has the same feeling for girl and they live happily ever after. But that’s not the case for us, it just can’t be.

I tell you I have strong feelings for you and then we try to work it out until we can. We might last forever or we might end up like everyone else and let go of each other after exhausting ourselves to the longevity of our promises and how complex they all are.

I tell you and you feel strong disgust, telling me how you felt betrayed all these years. But then, we see each other a few years later both in a joyous state and laugh all of it off.

I tell you and our friendship fades. All those text exchange and late night calls. All those stories we shared over food. Everything gone in seconds. We don’t talk anymore. We lose touch. We grow apart. We move on with our lives. We forget about each other. And I’ll forever hate how I even mustered up the strength to tell you and assumed it would have worked out well.

You see, I’m too scared of what might happen… So I just let these thoughts eat me up, hoping it’ll all just vanish into the dark night.

Photo Diary: Experience Cam Sur with Havaianas

It's been ages since I last posted something so I'm apologizing to myself. This semester has been a mix of torture and relaxation. Torture since I'm doing my thesis alone and a certain subject has been really hard for me. Thanks to these kind of events, I get to relax. The Havaianas team invited a couple of bloggers to experience Naga City like how any other tourists should have. Plus, we saw the photoshoot by MangoRed which was part of the promotion of Havaianas. 

Before I end this and write another post, I want to thank the people who made this event a success.

Avenue Plaza Hotel

Bigg's Diner

Blue Water Day Spa

CamSur Watersports Complex (CWC)

Ellana Mineral Cosmetics

and of course, the Havaianas team

Bigger Better Summer by Bigg's Diner

I was invited at a product launch last April 12, I had no idea what we were going to do. All they said was be there at 3 in the afternoon in white. I was surprised when I saw the setup, it definitely marked my summer 2014. Apparently, Bigg's invited bloggers from Naga City and Legazpi City to witness something remarkable. They did not disappoint!

The anatomy of the Bigg's Tower Burger by the talented Pen Prestado.

(L-R): Sublime Lime, Psychedelic Cherry and Groovy Raspberry (P49 ea)

Tower Burger (P280). It's made up of 100% beef patty, golden hash brown, chunky slice of cheese, crispy bacon, egg, caramelized onion and fresh lettuce. The beef patty is grilled to perfection and isn't oily at all. Definitely a must-try when you visit any Bigg's store.

"You've never been to Bicol if you've never been to Bigg's."

The 1975

You’re alive, at least as far as I can tell you are.

I learned of the band after umpteen plays on 8tracks (an internet radio and social networking website revolving around the concept of streaming user-curated playlists consisting of at least 8 tracks). I would usually choose sad + indie and just drown myself with countless thoughts in my room. It’s funny though; how I’d choose sad but the songs actually make me happy inside.

The 1975 is an English indie rock band consisting of four members; Matthew Healy (vocals), Adam Hann (guitar), George Daniel (drums), and Ross MacDonald (bass guitar). The band has released 4 EPs in the past 2 years and has released a self-titled album just last year. It’s going to be another British invasion, I tell you.

According to them, their album is a mixture of everything. It’s the perfect soundtrack to your life – you may be happy, sad or angry and you can listen to them. That’s how diverse their music is. Until now, they’re amused whenever people would come up to them and say that their songs changed their lives. Even I can attest to that. I’ve been going through a lot when I first heard their music and they’ve helped me cope with the pain of reality; but that’s a different story.

Let’s just say that I’m really glad how I was in the right place when I listened to 8tracks that night. The level of rawness of Matty’s vocal chords is perfect. What’s even more amazing is how they are on-stage performing like it’s their last day. I’ve seen almost all their live performances on YouTube and I know I’ve completely fallen head over heels. Plus, their band has been together for ten years now so how they bond over music is astounding. I know I sound like a total fan girl now but I really am and I don’t think I can hide that anymore. You just have to go listen to it yourself so you know what I’m talking about.

And to top this all off? They’re coming to Manila to perform on the 28^th and 29^th plus a meet and greet on the 27^th! So whether you’re already a fan or haven’t heard of these guys (obviously you have now), you should go and sing your heart out to their famous ‘Chocolate,’ ‘Girls’ or to my favorite, 'Robbers.' I know I will.

Dresses - Painting Roses MV

Less than two weeks before the semester ends which means I do what I do best -- procrastinating and multitasking. At the beginning of the semester, I always tell myself that I'd do everything on time but it doesn't happen at all. Anyway, I'm so happy that I discovered this new band that I'm obsessed with now. I've listened to all their songs and I love every single one of them. They're that good. Here's their latest music video to prove it.

High Tea at Café Plazuela

We wanted to try this new set Café Plazuela offers. I'm not the biggest fan of hot tea but because of how the pastries looked like, I just had to. Nevertheless, we had Twining's apple cinnamon and raisin for our tea and had the Avenue Signature Set (P580).

Sadly the set didn’t deliver well as our expectations were up, it wasn't the best of the best; I must say I was a little disappointed. The presentation was really good but most of the serving was just bland. Nonetheless, we got to enjoy acting like we were English. A little trivia I learned is that you have to eat the savories first then the scones and finally, the sweets. So that's from the bottom plate to the topmost.

The bottom part included mini beef burgers which tasted divine and really familiar that I had eaten the whole deal just so I could remember where I tasted it from. It had this distinct cinnamon taste that made the burger interesting from all the burgers I had tasted. It may sound really weird but it was really good. Grilled Chicken Paninis were also served at the bottom tray. We were actually disappointed with its taste since we had them the last time we went there and really loved it. It lacked oomph – it was really boring.

The middle tray consists of Tomato and Cheese Scones, Apple Crumble, Nutella Eclairs and Fruit Tart. I’m a big fan of éclairs and nutella (well, who isn’t right?) so I was really excited when I saw it in the menu. 

Last and definitely not the least, the topmost tray consists of Truffle Chocolate Cheesecake, Pistachio Sansrival, Banana Cream Pie and Red Velvet Cake. Our favorite? The Pistachio and Red Velvet slice. They weren’t so sweet that you’ll enjoy up to the last bite. On the other hand, I’m a huge sucker for bananas so I think I finished the whole shot of it.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, we’re a big fan of their Grilled Chicken Panini (P345) that’s why we had a whole order of it but sadly, we didn’t finish it since it wasn’t the same Panini we had last time. I really hope it’ll be better the next time we visit!

The Avenue Club (P320) is the typical clubhouse sandwich served with french fries on the side and honey mustard dip.

My support group who has been there for me since I can't remember. One thing I've learned the past week is that, it's hard to find real friends but when you do, you have to exert extra effort in order to keep them. And they deserve the extra mile just 'cause. The whole experience was lovely as we were by the pool catching up and having tea. We’re not newbies which is more interesting for us since I realized that the overall presentation of the place and the friendliness of the staff have improved a lot over the years.

Losing One Best Friend is One Thing; Losing Two is Another

Perhaps I'm the type of person who gives more and expects to be treated the same way. Maybe it's comforting for me to claim a person is a best friend since most of my legit best friends live far from me now. One lives in sunny California (Grace) while the other in the busy streets of Manila (Stephanie). Yes, we get to talk almost every day via BBM or iMsg but it's different when you talk to them eye-to-eye.

Anyway, on with this post. I really liked this guy "best friend," he was just so charming or so I thought. I actually wrote a few pieces about him and almost all of my friends know how I am with him, it was a crazy 4-year thing. He was just so toxic for me that Steph made me choose between the guy or the girl best friend. Of course I chose the latter. Come to think of it now, everything would have been okay if he haven't said anything at all. I can't believe how I've grown to hate him since I really didn't want to.

The girl "best friend" is a different story I don't want to put emphasis on. Let me just say that we're all faced with choices and it's up to us to make wise decisions. I'm not saying that she didn't choose wisely 'cause I'm sure she thought about it a lot and chose the better option (if you know what I mean). If I had to express my feelings, it would be anger and disappointment. Angry because I don't know the person she's become. Disappointed because I mistakenly thought our friendship was real. It's just so hard, especially coming from her, and with the same reason she was sorry about roughly 2 months ago. I'm hurt so much that I blame myself for all these.

I don't regret anything though. In times like these, the silver lining would be finding out who would take a bullet for me. I'd love to think that everything happens for a reason. I may be faced with these impediments, but I know I'll rise up. And duh, someone out there has bigger problems than I have.

No More Promises

Re-reading my old journals before I bid 2013 goodbye. It's funny how I was a completely different girl back then. I'm actually surprised of how I've become in just a span of 3 years. I may have found and lost my passion in-between but I can't wait to revisit what I believe I really want for myself. I opened up 2013 with a lot of promises and have broken almost everything on the list. So instead of making new promises, I'd rather be surprised with what 2014 will bring. A few weeks ago, I had this nice talk with a really good friend and he told me to find my passion and work on it and I think that's what I'm going to be busy about this year.

The Number Game

So there's this number game that's been going around Twitter the past days. Mechanics: DM me a number 1-500 and I'll tell you how I feel about you in a tweet without anyone knowing. Remember your number.

You didn't give me any number but here's what I have to say about you. I've loved you so much that I can pretty much do anything for you. My closest friends know that for a fact. I can still clearly remember the day I told you that I had feelings for you. You were telling me that it was just normal and that it was okay. But it was not 'cause I don't usually profess what I feel about a person.

Apparently, my feelings grew bigger that even I couldn't handle them. I've been in love with the thought that you'd change your mind about me or at least have made up your mind. A lot of our friends keep on telling me that I should just brush off my emotions and forget about it; forget about you. God, I wish it was that easy. 

I once had this same situation with someone else and I don't want that to happen to us. I don't want my love to turn into anger and then learn to hate you. I don't want to feel these towards you because it's just different with you; you're different and because at one point, we were really friends.

Just recently, my friend told me to just end all of this. "Easier said than done," I abruptly said. She then asks me, "has he done something for you?" And then it hit me, you haven't done anything really but to make me like you even more and hate you at the same time 'cause you can't reciprocate what I'm feeling.

Then there's this game that made me realize that we had no real connection going on. Call me shallow but it's the truth. This so-called friendship of ours isn't over yet though. I don't regret anything I've ever done to/with you, I hope you don't as well. I just need time to breathe and accept everything. 

Okay? Okay.

It's been a while since I posted something about a book I read. Today was a free day for me since my school celebrates its 75th anniversary. Not the point. It's actually my 2nd time to finish this book and I must say, I couldn't stop sobbing throughout the story. It's just so good and you can feel the character's joy and pain that you create this world of your own to just take a moment and feel everything. The story's really beautiful it made me love and hate John Green at the same time. It's just sad how Augustus Waters died, I really didn't see it coming and thought Hazel Grace would die first. Listed below are a few of my favorite quotations in the book.

“I'm in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things.”

—	Augustus Waters

“But I believe in true love, you know? I don’t believe that everybody gets to keep their eyes or not get sick or whatever, but everybody should have true love, and it should last at least as long as your life does.”

—

Isaac

“It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

—	Augustus Waters

"You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm forever grateful."

— Hazel Grace


"The marks humans leave are too often scars."

— Augustus Waters

These are just a few of course. If I could post everything here then I would but this post would be too long. The book's a really good read, I must say. Grab the book and see for yourself!

School, yaaaaaay!

Summer's officially over and here I am on my bed typing these as I am dreadful of going back to school tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow's the start of a new chapter yet again. A fresh start as what would everyone say. I'm actually pretty excited for what's in store for me this semester. I hope everything turns out well for me and for everyone I know. I have 2 major subjects + 2 electives, no biggie. I'm going to be writing and writing and writing for all I know. Not that I'm complaining though, I'm just saying that I don't have a problem with writing. The time constraints blow so I have yet to be actually good at time management.

What I have learned from the past semesters would be of great help and boost me to be a better student slash person slash whatever you want to insert here. N O C R A M M I N G would be one of the many things I should practice. It's hard to not cram when you're a college student but hey, it's fun! Okay, I'm kidding. It's really stressful so I should stay away from it. "I haven't experienced cramming in my whole life." Said no normal person ever!

This semester would be a whole lot different one since I swear I'd be more focused on my studies and of course spread good vibes as what this post is all about. I guess it's true how people say when you send good vibes, you receive good vibes in return. Talk about good karma huh?

Photo Credit: Tumblr

On High Hopes and Disappointments

Have you every found yourself thinking that the person who you thought was the best for you, is actually the reason why you're messed up? I have. A couple of times actually. I don't know why I can't get out of it as much as I want to. Believe me, I've tried to do it a couple of times but I always fail. It's like he's the magnet and I'm a piece of metal, that whatever I do, I just can't stay away from him. Maybe it was easier then to have never tried getting in. Had I thought that I would be wasting a lot of sanity, I wouldn't have even bothered building what seems to be this friendship that is hard to maintain.


I actually never thought that it needed a lot of effort to sustain this kind of relationship. I never signed up for this. The moment that you let him make you feel irrelevant is the time that would forever mark you. Well in my case, I always felt bad about myself just 'cause I couldn't please him – that I wasn't good enough for anyone. It's as if a curse has been put on me that I should have a taste of all these when I'm at my happiest. Everything becomes a wreck as soon as you think it's perfect. Well, nothing's perfect but you see my point. But this time, I should make a stand. Maybe I wasn't the one who burdened him. Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe it has always been like this but I hadn't realized it until now.


I think the thing that somehow holds me back is the thought that all the things that I've put up with will all go to waste. That all the efforts made would soon go down the drain and as cliché as it sounds; only the memories will be left. Of course it took me a while before I realized I was fighting this battle alone. Actually, there was a slight hope that maybe, he'll come to his senses and realizes that he might lose me. Indeed, I wasn't wrong. My expectations grew bigger until I couldn't handle it. In the end, I got disappointed at myself as my hopes were so high that it failed me. Well, I wouldn't blame anyone else. As a matter of fact, I've brought this upon myself which is why I should live with the consequences of it. I know it will be hard – harder than you can ever imagine. But I guess I have to do what I should have done a long time ago.


So the question lies. Do you think it's right to let go of someone who you've greatly invested to because everyone including yourself believes it's for the best?

Photo Credit: Tumblr
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

The One

Be honest, we all have the ideal person in our mind. I might sound crazy with all these and maybe I've seen a lot of rom-coms which shows flawless relationships which usually doesn't happen in real life. It may actually sound awfully ridiculous but I've came up with a list of that someone.

He would be someone who would not kiss me in the morning when I've just woken up just because he knows that it's unhygienic and believes that we have to brush our teeth first. But he knows that we can kiss right after. We would cook meals together as much as we can, eat it and have those "how did you day go?" conversations.

Due to our tight schedules, we wouldn't get to see each other as much as we'd love to. But we would make time for ourselves and have dinner. He would give me flowers, and even though I tell him how I hate them, he knows deep inside I love them and still surprises me with a dozen or two. He would spoil me every chance he can until I grow tired of it and tell him but doesn't stop. He would be funny and would always make ma laugh and would love my laugh, even my most embarrassing kind of laugh. He would know how I love to go to the movies and would come with me although he's tired from work. He would give me his hanky when he sees me crying over that stupid movie he didn't even want to see.

He would be someone who won't get tired of reading the articles I make and tell me his opinion on it. He would constantly tell me how good my writing is but wouldn't lie to me if it isn't. He would help me research and probably tag along when my boss assigns me to go out of town when he's free. We would celebrate whenever my writings get published even though I have been published so many times and never forgets to tell me how he's proud of me.

I would be crazy about him but not as much as he is with me. We would argue on a lot of things, but the day won't end until we figure things out. We would encounter a lot of issues in our relationship because no relationship is perfect, but that would not let me love him any less. He would be there to witness me on my happiest, but would not leave me in my darkest days. He would listen to me rant whenever I have to, and tells me I'm wrong when I really am. He would give me those forehead kisses when I need them just because he knows that it always make it better for me.

Someday, I will meet this person and right there and then; I will know. All the "woulds" will all be real and maybe, just maybe, he is the one.

March in Instagram

This is my first to put Instagram photos on this page, pretty much sums up what happened the whole month.

• Finals week = hell week, no photos of course. Survived it though, which means summer has started already!
• Got this really cool bookmark from my friend, Annika. I love it so much! It has a purple centipede wrapped on the girl and of course the word "the purple centipede" on the book she's reading. Cool, right? You can have yours customized as well!
• Went to the carnival with friends, it was fun. Scary but fun.
• Did my first legit interview with the Archbishop of Caceres. It was for my Feature Writing class and I was really glad that I chose him to be interviewed.
• Splurged on new cases for my phone! I think I just had to dress my baby up.
• Mom got me new running shoes. Yay finally, I started running and I love it. Never thought that I would love it but I really do.
• Purple hurr don't curr! Hahaha I just had to say it! Anyway, purple peekaboo hair for summer thanks to tita Luz who did my highlights before. I love it so much!

Summer had just started but I've been really productive in my own way. This is by far, the best summer. Seriously though, I've been having fun but getting things done right in time. I can't wait for what's in store for me for the following months.